i'm feeling pretty dark and twisty

"here is my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger and enjoy."

we were happy. we were so happy. and the worst part is is that we were, right up until we weren't. all i can think about is when we were happy. everyone around me wants me to be mad, to stop taking this lying down...but i can't. i feel like a piece of me is missing. i can't stop thinking about when we were happy. and wondering what happened to those two happy people - where did they go so suddenly? he was my best friend; the person who's supposed to comfort me when i cry, not the one that makes me cry. the person i tell about my bad days, not the one whose absence and negligence causes them.

i feel like one of those people that are so freaking miserable they can't be around normal people. like i'll infect the happy people.

dream come true

know what i did today? i channeled steve irwin & dave salmoni and saved some baby quails. they had fallen into my window well, so i hopped right down there and, braving scary spiders, rescued 5 cute little guys.


[i believe that we can be extraordinary together instead of ordinary apart. i hope you give us that chance. i miss you more than i can say; you are my best friend and being apart makes me feel that a piece of me is missing. this week's been awful and i'm feeling very confused and hurt. i love you. you love me too, remember?]

all sorts of love

i went to the temple last night with my cousin. the provo temple is closed right now so we went to mt timp. i vaguely remember going to the open house when i was a littlie, but didn't remember much about how it looked. wow. mt timp is an amazingly gorgeous temple, esp the celestial room. it's the biggest one i've ever been in and was just...exquisite.


we tried to do a session, but it was incredibly busy. sam had never done sealings, so we did that instead. afterward, we were able to spend a little time in the celestial room. i won't go into detail, but i will just say that i love the temple. the spirit of the Lord is able to abide more strongly there than any place i have ever felt. i entered the temple feeling anxious, stressed, upset, worried, and sad. i left feeling incredibly calm, loved, and at peace. are my worries gone? definitely not. but does the Lord love and want what's best for me? does he know not only what i want, but what i need? absolutely.

i am feeling spicy tonight.

well, to put it simply, yesterday was the worst. lots of crying and feeling helpless = not my favorite. here's what i decided: absence [definitely] makes the heart grow fonder, but it makes the rest of you pretty lonely. so...miss you.

but today is a new day and its big highlight is my experiment is finally over and the results are in : blondes have a whole lotta fun, but it sure is nice to be back to my roots [literally]. :) so blondie hair, bon voyage. thanks for the sassy, fun times and you were tons of fun while it lasted. brown hair: welcome back, you've been missed. [it's also been decided that you are quite spicy.]
tonight was fun-a-palooza at applebees. the highlights of the night for me were threefold: 1-listening to a guy sing 'piano man' and bring the house down, 2-seeing all my awesome friends, and 3-singing 'your love is my drug' with b complete with sam doing some super sexxxxy backup dancing.

i'm soooo tired right now, so i will post the pictures in the morning.

[as promised, here are some photos! sorry it took a little bit:)]

listen: do you smell that?

sorry for the radio silence kids, it's been...one hell of a week. full of happy and sad moments. right now feels like the worst of all the games, i'm afraid to say. i feel sad that i've been neglecting my blog this past few weeks and solemnly swear [i am up to no good] that i won't let it happen again. this is my forum to say whatever i'd like, however i'm feeling, and feel the relief of getting it off my chest. which is something i desperately need if i don't want to go around having anxiety/panic attacks all the time. which i don't. so...forgive me?


[today was the worst. i feel like there's a huge knot in my chest and i can't breathe.]

in no particular order...

dj, my cute and affordable apartment, my beautiful backyard, having a reliable car, harry potter books, my family, brianon, living close to the temple, having people i know i can count on, warm sunshine, school starting soonish, laura being home, dance, music, cool water, stars, bright colors, ethan sending me encouraging texts, having a job, seeing mac and kai, being home from dumb new york, second chances, talking to danny, baby girl & fake parents, being able to put my hair up, not feeling sick all the time anymore, not being afraid to be myself, the atonement, fans, tivo, being able to verbally throw up via this blog, washer and dryer in my house, my new fridge, parents who support me 100% no matter what

7/11 - woo!

we got a new bishopric today. it's bittersweet to see bishop meservy and brother cuevas go, but i'm excited to get to know bishop schoenfeld and his counselors better. they seem really great.

i also got to drive jaz up to efy in salt lake. she's having such a cool experience being a counselor there, i'm really excited for her. also, it's real nice to have my car back. i can stop feeling like a mooch!

and the best news of the day is that dj is home!!! he went to vegas to see his brother get married and spend time with his family. it sounds like he had a lot of fun, but i missed his stinking guts and am sooo glad he's back :)


[isn't this rad? how long do you think it took to get it just right?]

drumroll please...

great news everyone: i got my job back!

after literally getting on my knees to beg and a sales pitch pitching yours truly, i am once again employed. salad here i come...

still missing, missing, missing though...

[tomorrow!]

heads we go right, tails we go left

tonight brianon and i were looking for adventure. we found it in the form of a penny walk. we started at my house and flipped a penny at every intersection to determine where to go. towards the beginning, we got to stadium terrace and stopped to talk to our favorite angel for a bit. then we watched some wedding dress shows with miss cami for a bit while she provided b with tums and advil. last of all we picked up matt mitchell and then hit the road (jack).

here is a link to our route:

http://www.walkjogrun.net/routes/current_route.cfm?rid=BACFC88E-C42D-E8E0-76F030EF221588D5

it ended up being a little more than 4 miles. pretty fun adventure!

add that to the walk to the library we took this morning (3 miles) and we walked 7 miles today! plus swimming a bit. we were quite active today; are you proud of us? :)

everybody writ it long hand. [aka i am a moron]

today was weird. i need to sleep. and get my job back and maybe swim/tread water/have a tan tomorrow.


[this song was on an episode of scrubs that i loved. i showed a scene to em & b today and it's been stuck in my head ever since!]

veronica mars marathon - can i get a little john 'yeah'?

you must watch this. embedding was disabled, but you will be so happy you clicked through...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8cnhXmJcJo
[alex & twitch hip hop. omgosh.]

also, brianon...


[or incredible television, like what we watched today. holy crap.]

$$$$$

www.nataliedee.com

but alas, there's no "fun" in "no money to pay the bills"...

to grow or not to grow, that is the question...

so dj rrrreeeaaalllyyy wants me to grow my hair back out. i was feeling like i didn't really want to because i feel like my short hair is very sassy and fun. however, i was looking at some pictures...


and it turns out my long hair is pretty stinkin cute. i just forgot.

also the dark side is calling me...not that the blonde hasn't been super fun [hey, i nabbed me a boyfriend and went to hawaii, i'd say it's been pretty dang great :)]. i think i'm just ready to be normal old me again...

let freedom ring :)

t
r
i
e
d

to camp out with b for the parade tomorrow morning. i lasted til 1am then went home to sleep in my own bed. i felt like danny glover in lethal weapon.



i am a terrible friend.

i love america's stinkin guts!

today was so fun!

eclipse at the buttcrack of dawn with my ladies (and matt). super dumb, but fun. then b & i picked up jazi-jaz up in salt lake from efy. she sure had a great time and it was really fun hearing about all her stories.

then tonight was a fun bbq and the stadium of fire, which sucked a little bit, i'm not going to lie. the people doing the fireworks need to get it together and do a real show. and not have a twenty minute break in the middle. that's super dumb. but you know what? for the first time in my life, i got to cuddle with my boyfriend and watch the fireworks light up the sky. as lame-o as the fireworks were, that still blew my mind :) plus, at the bbq we had homemade corndogs that were delicious-o.

jaz took a ton of pictures, so i'll post those as soon as she emails them to me. lots of fun ones of friends, me and dj & the explosion of adorableness that is baby girl loving fireworks :)

can i have one? pretty please?

one month :)

ich bin ein glücklicher ente. ich liebe dich!
[thanks google translate:)]