i'm feeling pretty dark and twisty

"here is my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger and enjoy."

we were happy. we were so happy. and the worst part is is that we were, right up until we weren't. all i can think about is when we were happy. everyone around me wants me to be mad, to stop taking this lying down...but i can't. i feel like a piece of me is missing. i can't stop thinking about when we were happy. and wondering what happened to those two happy people - where did they go so suddenly? he was my best friend; the person who's supposed to comfort me when i cry, not the one that makes me cry. the person i tell about my bad days, not the one whose absence and negligence causes them.

i feel like one of those people that are so freaking miserable they can't be around normal people. like i'll infect the happy people.

dream come true

know what i did today? i channeled steve irwin & dave salmoni and saved some baby quails. they had fallen into my window well, so i hopped right down there and, braving scary spiders, rescued 5 cute little guys.


[i believe that we can be extraordinary together instead of ordinary apart. i hope you give us that chance. i miss you more than i can say; you are my best friend and being apart makes me feel that a piece of me is missing. this week's been awful and i'm feeling very confused and hurt. i love you. you love me too, remember?]

all sorts of love

i went to the temple last night with my cousin. the provo temple is closed right now so we went to mt timp. i vaguely remember going to the open house when i was a littlie, but didn't remember much about how it looked. wow. mt timp is an amazingly gorgeous temple, esp the celestial room. it's the biggest one i've ever been in and was just...exquisite.


we tried to do a session, but it was incredibly busy. sam had never done sealings, so we did that instead. afterward, we were able to spend a little time in the celestial room. i won't go into detail, but i will just say that i love the temple. the spirit of the Lord is able to abide more strongly there than any place i have ever felt. i entered the temple feeling anxious, stressed, upset, worried, and sad. i left feeling incredibly calm, loved, and at peace. are my worries gone? definitely not. but does the Lord love and want what's best for me? does he know not only what i want, but what i need? absolutely.

i am feeling spicy tonight.

well, to put it simply, yesterday was the worst. lots of crying and feeling helpless = not my favorite. here's what i decided: absence [definitely] makes the heart grow fonder, but it makes the rest of you pretty lonely. so...miss you.

but today is a new day and its big highlight is my experiment is finally over and the results are in : blondes have a whole lotta fun, but it sure is nice to be back to my roots [literally]. :) so blondie hair, bon voyage. thanks for the sassy, fun times and you were tons of fun while it lasted. brown hair: welcome back, you've been missed. [it's also been decided that you are quite spicy.]
tonight was fun-a-palooza at applebees. the highlights of the night for me were threefold: 1-listening to a guy sing 'piano man' and bring the house down, 2-seeing all my awesome friends, and 3-singing 'your love is my drug' with b complete with sam doing some super sexxxxy backup dancing.

i'm soooo tired right now, so i will post the pictures in the morning.

[as promised, here are some photos! sorry it took a little bit:)]

listen: do you smell that?

sorry for the radio silence kids, it's been...one hell of a week. full of happy and sad moments. right now feels like the worst of all the games, i'm afraid to say. i feel sad that i've been neglecting my blog this past few weeks and solemnly swear [i am up to no good] that i won't let it happen again. this is my forum to say whatever i'd like, however i'm feeling, and feel the relief of getting it off my chest. which is something i desperately need if i don't want to go around having anxiety/panic attacks all the time. which i don't. so...forgive me?


[today was the worst. i feel like there's a huge knot in my chest and i can't breathe.]

in no particular order...

dj, my cute and affordable apartment, my beautiful backyard, having a reliable car, harry potter books, my family, brianon, living close to the temple, having people i know i can count on, warm sunshine, school starting soonish, laura being home, dance, music, cool water, stars, bright colors, ethan sending me encouraging texts, having a job, seeing mac and kai, being home from dumb new york, second chances, talking to danny, baby girl & fake parents, being able to put my hair up, not feeling sick all the time anymore, not being afraid to be myself, the atonement, fans, tivo, being able to verbally throw up via this blog, washer and dryer in my house, my new fridge, parents who support me 100% no matter what

7/11 - woo!

we got a new bishopric today. it's bittersweet to see bishop meservy and brother cuevas go, but i'm excited to get to know bishop schoenfeld and his counselors better. they seem really great.

i also got to drive jaz up to efy in salt lake. she's having such a cool experience being a counselor there, i'm really excited for her. also, it's real nice to have my car back. i can stop feeling like a mooch!

and the best news of the day is that dj is home!!! he went to vegas to see his brother get married and spend time with his family. it sounds like he had a lot of fun, but i missed his stinking guts and am sooo glad he's back :)


[isn't this rad? how long do you think it took to get it just right?]