what. am. i. doing.

today was the worst. i pretty much didn't sleep all night, maybe thirty minutes, if i was lucky. at six, i took a shower and sat down to get ready and just started bawling. it was a good thing i'd just washed all my mascara off or i would've ruined dj's shirt. i sobbed for like thirty minutes non-stop. it feels so wrong to leave, but i can't just not go. this is the worst feeling in the world:(

my mom, tara, brianon & dj drove me to the airport and we people watched for about forty minutes before i had to go through security. yikes. lady in the dirty black romper (and just for the romper, i've gotta say - you are in your forties. gross.) = wear. a. bra. gross. we also saw what looked like a super anorexic dinosaur with stripper boobs, leather skin and nappy extensions. so...that was real great.

everyone was good sports and didn't leave until i couldn't see them anymore after going through the scanner (a security person saw my naked. i don't know how i feel about that.). the flight was okay, i slept like a rock for most of it. brianon and dj both wrote me sweet letters to read on the plane, so that was nice. the flight was uneventful and we even got in early. a car service picked me up and drove me out to long island. i had forgotten how green everything is out here. and claustrophobic. so many trees you can't see the sky. it makes me even more excited to get back to utah. i realized that i need the open sky. and the mountains. and my best friend. and my boyfriend. and the ability to be with my family in three hours if i want/need to.

as of now, i'm exhausted from the whole not sleeping/crying my eyes out all day thing. so i'm off to bed.

i miss you.

ugh. i miss you guys already!!!

today was my last day in provo for a while:( i basically just spent time with brianon (glitter toes!), my mom, tara & dj. got a bunch of stuff i needed and packed. it took forever to pack and i kept forgetting things. i also got to go see jon, em & baby girl for a little bit tonight.

i can't believe i'm leaving. it seemed like such a good idea at the time, but now i'm wondering if it's the right thing to go. i'm so happy here, it seems bizarre to leave. but the money is insane. i can't just pass it up. i'm going to be able to pay off my best buy card and my car, and have a little left over for spending. so it'll be good to go and do that. but super crappy to leave all my friends and good times here.

we watched the results show on dancing with the stars tonight and this crew came and danced (remote control) and it was crazy. soooooo talented. there isn't a video on youtube or i'd put it on here. if you have the chance to see a tivo'd version of the show or see it randomly on youtube, check it out. best robot stuff i've ever seen. and the little guy's story is super inspiring.

i. don't. want. to. go.

wednesday is put everything off til tomorrow day

wellp, it's t minus 2 days and counting. i didn't really get anything done today. all i did was work (last day - sad. but kinda good, hopefully i'll be able to get my job back in august.) and chillax with mom, tara, brb & boyfriend. watched a little so you think you can dance (among other programs), and basically just sat on the couch trying to soak up their company. it hit me tonight that i'm really leaving. it's not just this abstract idea that is maybe in my future. it's real. and it's in less than 36 hours.

yikes.

do you believe?

nataliedee.com

[uh...actually i think you are real. i believe in you nessie. you just need to believe in yourself.]

yuck. times a gajillion.

[if i even see a spider, i feel like there are spiders on me the rest of the night.
it. is. the. worst.
moral of the story: it is the best to have a handsome boyfriend that will kill spiders so you don't see them, even the ones that are huge and have lots of baby spiders in them. and then send you a text later saying 'don't worry there aren't any spiders on you.' those are the best boyfriends ever.]

best. dad. ever.

[happy father's day to the bestest dad in the whole wide world. i loooooove you!]

guess what dj and i saw?!

so. amazing.

i love jackie chan and it was super hard for me to not act like an idiot in the parking lot after. and jaden smith? are you joking me? sooooo good. the acting was great. the story was great. i want to learn kung fu now.

plus a justin bieber song at the end?

please. best movie all summer.